This is not a story about farting by far, no sir-ree, it is a story about almost farting and dying. I was a drunk for twenty-two years, and I had some fart problems when I stopped drinking.

Now if you’ve drank before, and I personnel know 70% those in the US do drink, and while in Germany, 98.6% of them drink. And while in Iceland, 99% of them drink and while in Alaska, the Arctic region, and I flew with a mail carrier delivering mail (yaw mail up my tuba… (?))just in case my wife is reading this; she likes Troy, and I may have it out yet)), he sold whiskey when I wasn’t looking. Anyways, I’m not here to get him in trouble, but in the deep artic 99.6 % drink. They wanted me to stay and work for them in the arctic, back in ’96, because they were going to open up the area for legal drinking…yaw you get the picture, legal, legal, legal…rehab…rehab…lots of farting is going to start.

Now you may think this a bit to the left my friend, you know, Mr. Burroghs is not telling his audience the full truth of the matter, baby you are getting it full steam…the bare truth of the matter. I’m a 100% man, all the way, traveled the world 24-time around. Oh yes, 2 and and 4…got it. Yes, yes and and yes, and for 22-years of traveling, them planes got stinky…farting all the way; if you drink, you fart: that is the gospel truth; don’t try to tell me otherwise, I’ve been down the tail too many times. No questions asked. That is the mighty truth. You can bank on it…that is right and as good as gold.

Now, as I was saying, I was a counselor, and sitting out on this nice sunny day in July, sitting out in Wisconsin having a group therapy session, about nine people involved. And here was this guy and his wife. The wife came down to be with him on this occasion, not sure why but I let her join the group, after asking the group permission, you know, because they’re going to reveal some stupid private information—us ex-drunks think no one in the world knows a damn thing about our behavior, when it’s plastered all over kingdom-come. Yes, the butcher knows and so does the baker, and the electric company knows because you didn’t pay the damn bill; because it is all about you, baby it is all about you—Right!!

We don’t pay any of the mother suckers. None my friends…all they got was ZERO>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>take that to the bank

now comes the big D, in this story D does not sand for what is going on through your mind, oh now, when you’re a professional drunk like me and my friends, or clients (take your pick), you don’t need the Drunk part, but you get the D part, and that is FARTING is free. I really got to get on to the premise of this thing, the plot is already set…see, we are sitting in the humble circle telling one another what everyone in town already knows, and what we had forgot, until now—black out time. And this couple, call them Tom and Jerry [Mr. and Mrs. Anonymous—so I don’t get sued], Jerry being the wife. Now they are sitting together with the rest of us thinking, yes just thinking, about what the other person is thinking, or trying to figure out what they are thinking. You want to know what they are thinking…I’ll tell you, “I don’t know if I should say this, they’ll watch me, I’ll be in the spot light…” that kind of gobblegook. Who really gives a rabbit’s foot? Number one you have been seeking the spot light for twenty-years, now you’re humble. It doesn’t make sense, but that’s a recovering fart for yaw.

Now let’s get on to the mystery. As I was about to say, we are sitting there on the humble sunny July day, in Wisconsin, up on this hill in a free standing in and out care facility. I’m the hot shot counselor. Hello—are you listening……………………………………..

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFf…it started, this grows like a rocket going to Mars, no kidding: -- yes Tom started a little fart it got louder, everyone now is looking at one another in the circle, you got it we’re all looking at Tom☺ for the moment we are smiling. But this friend is the longest fart in all of human history. We couldn’t talk, and the air was pushing it all away thank goodness. And we looked, and we looked and we looked, now the laughing was being held back, and Tom smiled ☻and smiled ☻ and smiled ☻…and the farting never stopped.

It must have went on for five minutes, I know that is a whole lot of seconds, something like…fffffffffffffffff♪♫♪♫♪♫F F F F F FFFF FFF ffffff ♫♪☻☺♫Ω yes my friend something like that, it had rhythm to it, a beat one might say and we all smiled. Now why did we smile? Think about it. Here would have been the Guinnes Book record had we had a recorder for the longest fart in history. He farted so much he couldn’t even get up to go wipe himself because he kept on farting.

You might be saying, you can identify with this, and your girlfriend is sitting by you and damn if she peaks over at what I’m reading…shut the computer off quick, tell her you’ll read this later, she doesn’t’ have to know, she will not know what you were reading, and if she catches you she’ll say,

“You mean you enjoy reading about some drunk farting…” she will not get the picture, you’re an old drunk and just wait until you get married, and then you’ll find out. I don’t think that guy’s wife knew he had such problems. So I don’t want to be responsible for a breakup.

Anyhow, but to reality: the poor man and his wife, sat there…you got it, ☻☻ with that stupid smile (s). But what could they do. Tom shock his shoulders, he was young and figured after 4. 5 minutes, I’ve lived through the hard part. I could only fart for 15-seconds, and I thought that was long.

So if you have re-opened this computer, or book, to finish the story, and your gal is gone, there isn’t much more to really say, except, we had a little laugh, and a huge one internally, I think we all had a gut ache afterwards from holding in…and I’m sure some of us held in our farts so not to be criticized, if you are asking if I did, you will have to hold that in for a Dave Lettermen show interview….

12/2002/Revised and edited 1/4/06

See Dennis' web site: http://dennissiluk.tripod.com

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