When I shop for clothes, I keep it simple. I walk into the men’s store and say, “I want to look at some shirts.”

The salesperson points to the shirts and I say “I’ll take this one and that one”.

I’m out of there in less than 5 minutes. There are way too few hours in the day to be fussing over clothes

It’s a good thing that I’ve streamlined my clothes shopping to a quick and efficient science. Like most men, I have no natural fashion sense. The only real advice I ever got was “David, listen to your mother, nothing packs in a suit-case like polyester.”

Keep in mind; this advice comes from the same woman who used to make me wear a sweater over my Halloween costume.

The problem of men dressing in style is universal. There is even a television show where men of questionable orientation teach a heterosexual man how-to-dress. I’m not prepared for comment on this other than to say; “I won’t go there” (snap, snap).

You only have to stand in line at the picture show to see how bad us guys are at dressing ourselves and how much help we really need. All those beautiful young ladies lined up for the movie being escorted by young men wearing baggy shorts, t-shirts, and thread bare baseball caps. I really don’t know why these girls put up with it, unless they saw that same television show and they’re afraid a well-dressed man might be a risky choice.

In a weak attempt to solve my own clothing dilemma, I’ve done what most guys over 40 do. I wear plain khakis and a coordinating shirt—no muss no fuss, I’m dressed and ready to go in about 15 minutes. The key to my fashion plan is the coordinating shirt. I learned from a saleslady at a high-end department store that “coordinating” and “matching” are two entirely different things; I don’t think guys are supposed to match. But, can you trust fashion advice from a saleslady trying balancing her integrity against a commission check?

Married guys have it easy; they place the responsibility for clothing choices on their wives. I actually know a woman who hangs her husband’s clothes in outfits; shirt, pants, socks, and underwear all on one hanger—he just grabs a hanger and runs. Nice for him, but I have been unable to get his wife to do the same for me. We did discuss the possibilities, but decided it just wouldn’t be right.

Of course, having a wife doesn’t necessarily solve problems; you especially see this at church, men wearing “matching” clothes where the coloring is perfect. You can tell their wives even matched the clothes based on skin tone. Thank goodness these men wear wedding bands or else we’d be forced to draw conclusions about them other than the truth.

I guess when it’s all said and done; it’s better I stick to my tried-and-true uniform. After turning 40 I lost interest in trying to look stylish, just being clean and neat are lofty goals for me. Besides that, plain shirts and khakis are easy to find, there’s seldom a question about my interests, and the clothing budget is perfect for a man who doesn’t work regularly.

The only thing I need now is a sweater; Halloween will be here before we know it.

Ya’ll come!

David Zack Holmes is an Inspirational/Humor writer telling his tales with a southern flair. To read more features see: http://www.davidzackholmes.com

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