Clothesline fresh, country fresh scent, smells like a country garden, those of us from the city have all seen our share of country clad laundry soap commercials. The token red barn glows in the distance.

Closer in, clothes adorn the line. Each piece is so straight and evenly spaced you’d believe a team of sophomore geometry students hung them as their final class projects. Even more perfect, the lightest of breezes launches an ‘oh so soft’ billow along the stain free front row.

Even I think, who wouldn’t want their clothes to be clothesline fresh? And, don’t those people own underwear? Ahhhh! I use my clothesline. I must. There is not a man in the five-state region willing to rise to the challenge of touching my daunting propane line and antiquated fuse box. Like my outhouse, my dryer is purely ornamental.

Despite this forced march to my clothesline the results can be startlingly adequate. Yet as a good Cidiot (city idiot), It would be negligent of me if I did not point out a few hazards of clotheslines to budding country converts. Beware, hanging your skivvies in the wild is not all its cracked up to be. Consider these dilemmas.

Seven of Ten Birds Prefer to Defecate Out of Doors – Avian species have a remarkable instinct for textile quality. Anyone doubting this should hang their Thai Silk robe on one end of the clothesline. Put a flannel shirt on the opposite side. At the end of the day tally the results.

Sheets Attract Wind – Kids have a new kite? You can plan your day around it, guaranteed! Just wash your bedding in the morning and place it on your line. Rest assured, Mariah herself will blast through your backyard. Kites, bedding, lingerie, pugs - anything with a flat surface will dance its way through the sky, only to impale itself in full display atop the silo of your local feed mill.

Remember the One Foot Rule – Most educated people know the three second rule. No matter where in your home you drop a piece of silverware, if you can retrieve it in three seconds or less you can eat off it without rinsing first. The one-foot rule, however, is only taught in rural school districts. It goes like this: Any textile on a clothesline that sags to within 12 inches of sweet Mother Earth, via the wind or any other means, must immediately be scent marked by every male canine (dogs, coyotes, wolves or prairie dogs) inside a three mile radius.

Animals Have Hair – Strangely enough farms are inundated with animals. Go figure. With all due respect to clothespins, they do little to remove hair. It takes four fabric softener sheets and a small nuclear plant to fluff out an intricate weaving of fur and feathers. During the spring shed I keep a HAZMAT team on stand by just to clean my lint traps.

Remodeling Your House? – You can save a fortune in costly building materials. Just hang your cotton towels out to dry on the clothesline. Not only will they dry stiff enough to be use as support beams, the bird shit will act as an adhesive for roofing projects.

Remember on that warm spring day, when the cottonwoods are spawning and your best angora sweater has just hit the line, imagine, within a matter of hours it will be more than you ever dreamed possible. And, as always, it will smell ‘clothesline fresh!’

Zoologist turned satirist Nola L. Kelsey is the author of the scathingly wicked satire Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country and coauthor of the twisted political satire Keeping the Masses Down. Her newsletter, Nomadic Muse, tracks Kelsey’s escape from South Dakota normality to her life as a shoestring backpacker in SE Asia. More excerpts from Bitch Unleashed and subscriptions to Nomadic Muse are available via, http://www.nolakelsey.com

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