I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail. I mean, I understand it in theory, but today I tried talking to it and it didn't even respond. What's so outgoing about that? I think it needs to be renamed "shy mail" or "introverted mail". And besides, the reason a lot of people send mail is because they are not outgoing people and would like to instead express themselves in written form. So a new name for this type of mail is only logical. I would suggest names like Ralph or Hector or Agnes, because people don't seem to send mail to people with names like those, and thus the name would be ironic...

I'm confused because I constantly hear females saying that they want an outgoing mail, but when I send them letters, they don't respond. But outgoing mail is not my only complaint in regards to the U.S. Postal Service. I also have a problem with stamps. This isn't because there is no stamp with my picture on it -- especially since I think that'd require me to be dead -- but also because many stamps are now stickers, and therefore aren't pushed forcibly, contrary to the definition of "stamp". Furthermore, and perhaps more importantly, I don't think "stamp" would be a good name for a fish. If you are reading this and you name your fish "stamp" and it dies tomorrow, you have no one to blame but yourself and that stupid name...

Other misnamed aspects of the U.S. Postal Service include the term "mailman," which is just stating the same thing twice. Then there is also the system of "priority mail," which to me is scary because what is that saying about all the other mail that is sent? Same goes for express mail. That's basically like saying, "Well, we could technically send everything faster, but then we wouldn't be making money, would we?"

I am not positive about this, but I think express mail involves very quick flamingoes. One flamingo passes the mail to another, and then that flamingo throws it around a little for fun, before passing it on to a third flamingo, who obviously then gives it to the addressee. But I am not positive about the second flamingo; I'm just sure about the first and third. Nevertheless, I have thought of far too many flaws involving the postal system. If any member of the U.S. Postal Service, particularly a flamingo, would like to follow up with my complaints, please go ahead and e-mail me at comments@progressiverevelations.com. I thought about having people send comments about the mail through the mail system, but that just doesn't work. It's like running around with a burger at a fast food restaurant...

Yes, exactly like that...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

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