It's time for me to announce that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there to stop people from stealing my jackets. Some of the skeletons actually wear the jackets so they don't get cold. That may seem strange to people, but never has a skeleton complained to me...

"And what if?" you may be thinking.

"What if what?" I may be thinking back to you.

"What if a skeleton complained?" you may clarify.

Obviously if that were the case, then I'd use my skeleton key to lock the door. There's nothing I hate more than cold or numb skulls complaining to me about the temperature...

Let the truth be known, though, that it is that time of year when the weather can be bad. Like, raining cats and dogs type of bad, but add hamsters and wind to it -- along with a sun that is so strong, it could fry ants with the help of a magnifying glass. A lot of people complain about rain, but they need to put things into perspective and imagine how much worse it'd be if that rain were snot instead. Or maybe tons o' snot, which would be horrifying and a palindrome at the same time...

If this snotfall ever occurs, we need to establish a plan. Since no one else has volunteered, let me be the first:

Plan A: Cover trees with tissues to absorb a lot of the damage.

Plan B: The same as Plan A except without the tissues.

Plan C: Wait until the next Harry Potter book comes out, and then let the people in line cast spells to eliminate the problem.

Plan D: Wait until the next spelling bee, and let the contestants spell "cast" to eliminate the problem.

It may seem like my plan will not contribute to eliminating a major disaster, but it is important that my help ends there. From this point on, all plans will be organized by my skeleton. Make no bones about it...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

• The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1


• Restaurant Manager Gives Out Sexual Favors As Performance Bonus, Raise


• The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players


• Used Condom Found In Restaurant Salad Bar; Waiter Embarrassed To Tears


• American Independence – The True Story


• [Not So] Outgoing Mail


• How to Build a Cobblestone House


• The Jokes On You -- Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?


• Hurricane Season In Florida


• He Had It Coming, Your Honor