Men don't cope well with grief as a rule. How can you help a man deal with grief and find the healing he needs? It's in the nature of a man to want to be in control, by letting him know that his mourning is a step toward the goal of healing, you help him to find that sense of control

Our society has placed clear expectations and requirements upon our roles as men and women. Boys learn quickly what is considered inappropriate behavior through such statements as, “Stand up and take it like a man.”. From their earliest days the pressure is on to suppress their emotions, project strength and confidence, and grin and bear it through all kinds of pain and sorrow. What happens when boys reach adulthood? The messages become contradictory. You will find many grieving families in which only the wife and children are crying, and worried because Dad isn't crying. Yet if he does, they get upset. Although a wife may be relieved that her partner is able to grieve, she may fear that his tears somehow lessen him as the stalwart of strength she holds him to be. Thus, men are criticised when they don't grieve, and their masculinity is questioned when they do. Men have been taught to hide their tears, and to replace their sadness with anger. Women have been shamed out of their anger and use the strength of tears in grief, men must learn to use their strength of anger to move into their tears.

Modern values require that men "get in touch" with their feelings, they are expected to be more sensitive, yet strong and masculine. Once both men and women understand that a mixture of their masculine and feminine sides are at work in the grieving process, perhaps they will be more willing to allow the people in their lives to grieve in their own ways. Most men find it easier to mourn loss alone, but while “easier”, it's not always better, and men can

Men really are different Biological differences offer some insight into why men grieve the way they do. Compared with women, men have less prolactin, a hormone excreted by the pituitary gland, which is associated with emotional tears. Boys and girls have equal amounts until about age 12, then the level in boys plummets as testosterone levels rise. In the brain, the corpus callosum (the band between the two hemispheres) is a link between emotions and words. In men, the connection appears to be slower, which means men take longer to process emotions.

The truth is it takes a truly strong man to be able to cry. Acknowledging that each of us grieve in very different ways can allow men to cope with loss and pain using their own various coping methods. We all grieve despite our gender, race or culture. We grieve because we have loved.

How can you help ? Men by nature don't as easily talk to each other as woman do. Fearing they might appear weak, a man often won't delve into his inner emotions as easily as a woman and the burden of grief becomes heavier. If you know a man who is grieving, arrange a lunch or dinner, meet him for coffee, go for a walk with him and talk. Let him talk. You do this by asking questions and really listening. As you talk, remember men are more inclined to want to “do” things rather than “feel” things. If you can get a man talking about his feelings of grief, then suggest something concrete he can do. Working on a project to memorialise his loved one, perhaps. He needs to do something that will show results.

Susanna Duffy is a Civil Celebrant, grief counsellor and mythologist. She creates ceremonies and Rites of Passage for individual and civic functions, and specialises in Croning and other celebrations for women. http://celebrant.yarralink.com

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