“Trying to control a teenager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla." - Jeff Herring

Q: We are having increasing difficulty dealing with curfews in our home. Our teenagers keep wanting to stay out later and later and it’s hard for us to trust them. What can we do?

A: Isn’t it amazing how kids believe that they can have fun only after a certain time of evening (or early morning)?

Curfew can be an area ripe for power struggles, conflict & frustration. When the subject of curfew comes up, many parents hear the same old refrains, "Every one else's parents let them stay out as long as they want" (check it out, it's probably not accurate), "All the fun happens after midnight", "C'mon mom, it's the 90's!", (your point?) & "When I get to be a parent, I'm going to let my kids stay out as late as they want" (right).

If not handled properly, curfew can become a battle ground with the parents playing warden to the teenage inmates, and kids sneaking out and/or not coming home in order to "prove" their independence.

Curfew can also be an area that can illustrate for us a useful model for managing the teenage years. Many times when a parent phones me about their teenager, they say something like "I can't seem to control my kid." What I find myself wanting to say is that may be the problem, trying to control vs. manage the situation. A parent trying to control a teenager is like trying to make a gorilla wear pants, it's only going to frustrate you and make the gorilla angry.

As children grow from the childhood years into the passage of adolescence, it's important for parents to remember what the purpose of parenting and the purpose of adolescence is all about. Parenting is one of those rare jobs where one of the primary goals is to work yourself out of a job. One way this is done is by teaching the adolescent how to be more and more in charge of themselves. Interestingly enough, one of the major jobs of adolescents is to learn how to be more and more in charge of themselves.

Now in no way am I saying that teens should be allowed to do whatever they want. As a matter of fact, there are times when teens need more attention and structure than do younger children. The difference between trying to control vs. manage a teenager is all in how you approach the situation.

A management approach meets the following six key criteria:

Ä 1) the parents are clearly in charge

Ä 2) the teen, over time, learns and earns the ability to be more and more in charge of themselves

Ä 3) there is a clear map for continually building trust and responsibility

Ä 4) the parents have a way to monitor the progress of the teen

Ä 5) there are clear consequences when the teen demonstrates that they cannot be in charge of themselves (just like in the real world)

Ä 6) there is a map for how to earn back trust and responsibility.

Having said all that, allow me to more precisely answer your question about curfew. A solution I have seen work with many families, and that meets the six criteria of management vs. control is what I call the "Enough rope to grow yourself" solution.

In this solution, the parents choose a beginning place to start the curfew, let’s say, for the sake of our example 10pm. If the teen is able to keep that curfew, (and I mean keep - no five or ten minutes late) for a certain period of time, let’s say, again for the sake of our example, six months, the curfew can be extended another fifteen or thirty minutes. If at any time during the six month period the teenager breaks curfew, the six month period begins all over again.

The numbers here are just for example, you can change them to fit your own unique situation.

Checking this out with the six criteria for managing teenagers we see that the parents are clearly in charge, the teen has a way to earn more responsibility and trust, the parents have a way to monitor progress, consequences are clear, and there is a map for re-building trust and responsibility when it is damaged.

The passage of adolescence can be difficult enough without a never ending power struggle for control. Taking a management approach can go a long way to helping parents work themselves out of a job and grow the teenager into a well functioning young adult.

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