Let’s be honest, none of us was prepared for parenthood. Parenting is by far the most complex and demanding job you’ll ever take on, without advanced qualifications. So it’s not surprising that so many of us feel under-confident in the role.

When I first became a father, a friend once asked me what I most wanted for my new baby. Without thinking, I blurted out “confidence”. It surprised me that this was the first gift I thought of, but now I’m not at all surprised. Because with confidence, not only is so much possible, but we have the capacity to enjoy life.

What I really want for my children is happiness. Confidence is merely a means to an end. I also want them to live good lives, in the sense of developing integrity, honour, a sense of justice.

The first few months of parenthood were a trial. I don’t think anything prepares us for the lack of sleep, the sheer energy required to keep up with the demands of this helpless little creature. I have three children now, all different personalities, and one of the changes I observed was that we became much more relaxed with babies two and three. We knew what we were doing, we could anticipate the next steps, we just weren’t as flummoxed as we had been with baby number one. And you know what? This was good for our children.

It’s also something I see in my hypnotherapy clients. If you’ve ever visited a therapist you may have been surprised to be asked about your siblings, and your ‘birth order’ – where you fit in the sequence of children. This is because group dynamics affect us all, and the dynamics of the family leave a lasting impression – an imprint, if we can call it that. A child’s birth order really does have an impact on how they will develop, and perhaps the nervousness we feel with baby number one is part of this overall picture. Exposing family dynamics is often a helpful part of the process of helping people to understand just where some of their anxieties originated, and how irrelevant they are today.

So how do we develop confidence in children? The key is to provide opportunities for children to safely achieve. There is a debate rumbling under the surface of Western society regarding the teaching of competitive sports. Some commentators feel that it is essential to prepare children for a competitive life, whilst others take a more nurturing view, arguing that we should give all children the opportunity to become successful in something. Like many debates, this one is rarely exposed to public attention but continues by innuendo and half-truths, so that it becomes a battle between two competing clans rather than a shared venture to discover some useful truths.

All children can achieve. I have run projects with children as young as 7 years who proved themselves capable of mastering the most sophisticated professional audio recording equipment. I have worked with young teenagers who have not only composed and recorded professional-sounding songs, but also developed business plans which would shame many a professional in the field. Children are not limited by their age – if anything, it is adults who become limited by the changes induced by time. Of course children don’t have the same depth of knowledge and experience that we possess, but this is a blessing as well as a disadvantage.

So have the courage to let go a little, and sufficient confidence in yourself not to hold your kids back. Confident parents bring up confident children, and that is a gift to the whole family.

Jim Sullivan is a confidence coach.

http://confidence-self-esteem.com

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