Q: My husband and I have three kids, ages 7, 9 and 11. As we approach the teen years, we are becoming increasingly anxious and less sure of ourselves as parents. In the next few years, all of our kids will be teenagers, and they are acting like it already. We have heard a11 the horror stories and have even had some close friends go through rough times with their kids. What kind of suggestions, both general and specific, can you offer us to help us through the teen years

A: You are so wise as parents to be asking these questions now.

Why? Three reasons:

1. Your kids will all be teens before you know it.

2. "Adolescent issues" are showing up in younger and younger kids.

3. These strategies are useful for all parents, no matter the age of the child.

Key Point No. 1: Raising Teen-agers Can Be Very Tough

This is the point in seminars when the more skeptical in the crowd will get looks on their faces that say, "And I paid this guy for that tremendous insight?"

Before you turn a deaf ear, allow me to explain what I mean. In my experience, the average, let's say, 14-year-old, is 14 going on 24 and 14 going on 4, all at the same time.

Here's what I believe happens:

Kids take the "wisdom" and verbal ability of the 14-going-on24-year-old and combine it with the "I want what I want when I want it, which is NOW!" of the 14going-on-4-year-old and come up with some pretty intimidating (and sometimes amusing) manipulation.

And then it's the parent's job to keep up!

Key Point No. 2: Families Can Get Stuck

Have you ever gotten your car stuck in the mud or sand? We've all had that experience. If we're lucky, we get out easily and are on our way.

What do we do when we're stuck? We try harder, spin our wheels, and dig ourselves deeper and deeper.

Sound familiar? If it does, welcome to the club; it's a big one.

It's just that there are so many places you can get stuck in during the teen years. From school to dating, to developmental issues, rules, driving - the list is endless.

Just when I think I've heard it all, a new family comes in with a different twist, or, in the words of the British comedy group Monty Python, "And now for something completely different!"

The important thing to remember is that you are stuck as a family when "you keep doing the same things that don't work over and over again and expect different results."

Key Point No. 3: Families Have Strength for Change and Growth

Check out this quote from Eric Hoffer:

"In times of change, learners inherit the earth, while the learned find themselves wonderfully prepared for a world that no longer exists."

I like that one! What it implies is that families can grow and change, and you don't have to stay stuck.

Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring .

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