Peaceful Parenting® is not “Permissive Parenting.” Just because Peaceful Parents understand that they cannot control their children’s behavior does not mean that whatever a child does is acceptable. As Peaceful Parents we are still obligated to set standards and limits for our children.

In fact, understanding Peaceful Parenting® means understanding why there is a need for setting limits and standards for our children. Our children are born with a genetic instruction for freedom. But this does not mean there are no limits. A Peaceful Parent’s job is to establish boundaries, allowing only as much freedom as a child has responsible behaviors to handle. As we increase our children’s freedom we must teach him/her the increased responsible behaviors to handle the additional freedom. This means setting standards and setting limits.

The distinction between Peaceful Parenting® and other kinds of parenting programs is not in the kinds of standards and limits set. The distinction is how we manage ourselves and our children when our children do not meet our standards or abide by our limits.

Conventional wisdom teaches adults to ensure that children will meet standards and abide by limits by externally controlling the child. If a child does not do his homework, many parents would either punish the child by taking away some privilege or threaten this action. If a child does not follow the limits of his curfew, many parents would take away the child’s privilege of going out the next time.

Many Peaceful Parents expect that their children will complete their homework. Parents who are attempting to follow Peaceful Parenting® ideas still set a curfew when their children leave the house. However, if a Peaceful Parent’s child fails to complete the assigned homework or does not comply with the agreed upon curfew, Peaceful Parents do not attempt to externally control their children. Threats, punishments and consequences are not how these parents work with their children around expectation and limits.

Giving up the urge to externally control our children into compliance is difficult. Because we are parents with expectations we have pictures in our quality worlds of our children meeting our expectations. When they don’t we still feel the urge to get our children to do what we want. The difference is that with Peaceful Parenting® knowledge, we understand that trying to externally control our children is not the answer.

But what can a parent who is learning Peaceful Parenting® do? Are there some interim steps that a parent who is making the shift from external control to Peaceful Parenting® can take? It is very difficult to give up trying to insist our children comply by externally controlling to operating from a Peaceful Parenting® perspective. So here are some steps to help you get started.

Step 1. Set the limit/standard.

Explain to your child why you have set the standard/limit that you have. Whenever possible, ask for your child’s opinion and incorporate his ideas into the standard/limit.

Step 2. Expect compliance.

Explain to your child what your agreed upon standard/limit is. Ask if she understands it and is willing to follow/abide? Explain that you expect she will comply.

Step 3. Make a plan AHEAD of time for possible noncompliance.

Talk with your child about how the two of you should work things out in case he doesn’t follow the limit or meet the standard. Ask him how he wants you to handle this possible event. Explain how you want to handle this possibility differently, that is to avoid punishments, threats or imposing any kind of consequence. Explain that you want to talk with your child about how to work together to reach success.

Step 4. Working things out together if you child doesn’t meet the standard or comply with the limit.

Based on your agreed upon plan made in step 3, follow the plan of talking together. Using the “magical question” ask your child what she wanted that she tried to get by not meeting the standard or abiding by the limit. Work together to come up with a new standard or limit that incorporates your child’s desire responsibly. This may mean that you need to alter your expectation or limit slightly.

Step 5. DON’T GIVE UP

Continue following steps 1-4 until you and your child have worked together successfully and found a mutually agreed upon limit or standard. This is the most important step of all. By continuing to work with your child on this issue he will know that you mean business and are not going to give up until you reach success together. He may be use to your usually attempts at externally controlling him. He is given his punishment, takes it and still gets what he wants eventually. Most children know that parents cannot hang in there long enough. Children “win” by their parent’s lack of staying power. In the Peaceful Parenting® model you and your child both win because you work together to figure out how you both can get what you want.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D. established Peaceful Parenting, Inc. in 2000 to bring her knowledge and experience with effective parenting to the greatest number of parents and other caretakers of children. She developed the Peaceful Parenting® program from her 25 years of experience as a developmental psychologist, trainer and educator with The William Glasser Institute and as the mother of twin sons. Her genuine, warm and authentic teaching style is clear and concise, helping learners move from the theoretical to real life situations.

http://www.peacefulparenting.com
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