Home and Family > Pregnancy > Dads and Doulas: How to Leave Dads Feeling Empowered at a Doula-Assisted Birth
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Article rating : 0.00, 0 votes. Author : Sarah Hilbert-West
How often have you been talking to a first time mom about
doula care, and she seems so jazzed with the idea, and then
her partner comes along. Suddenly, doula care is a
non-option.
I’ve seen many a first-time dad look less than thrilled
with the idea of doula care. For many of them, a doula
seems unnecessary. She is an unnecessary expense and an
unnecessary intrusion. She is another stranger to be a
voyeur at a private time, another person to boss you
around. She is someone who might shunt dad to the side.
When addressing dads regarding doula care, it is important
to listen to and validate their fears. It is perfectly
normal for them to be uneasy and entirely understandable
for them to feel threatened. It is completely natural for
them to question the cost and necessity of your very
existence. That is when you have to convince them.
Top five dad fears (not always articulated this bluntly):
1) You’ll make them look bad
2) You’ll exclude them
3) You’ll make them feel dumb
4) You’ll interfere with and control their partner’s wishes
at the birth
5) You’re overcharging for something nurses do anyway
You’ll make them look bad:
This can happen only if a Doula isn’t doing her job. As
far as I see it, part of my job is to support and enhance
the family bond. My job is to make the dad look GOOD. I
will quietly prompt, slyly hand over a Kleenex or a cold
cloth, and make sure he gets as much credit as possible.
They are the couple, they are the parents. It is not about
me.
You’ll exclude them:
I always endeavor to include the dad to the comfort level
of both him and his partner.
How do I gauge this? I pay close attention to cues at the
birth, and I make darn sure to cull information from the
couple prior to the birth. I will ask specifically of the
dad at my prenatal visit: What do you see me doing at the
birth and what do you see you doing? What do you want to
be in charge of?
As well, if the mom has indicated a wish for the dad to not
be fully included in the labor and delivery, for any
reason, I talk to her about dialoguing directly with the
dad prior to the birth so that he is aware of her wishes
directly. It is their relationship and they have a unique
history. I respect that.
You’ll make them feel dumb:
Again, only if I am not doing my job. In my experience,
there is usually a Doctor or Nurse, less often a midwife,
who does a good job of making someone feel just a bit dumb
at some point during a pregnancy, labor or delivery. They
don’t need me adding to that dynamic.
My job is to make dad look on the ball, and empathetic,
even if it doesn’t come naturally. I am a big believer
in always giving dad “the opportunity to save face” in
front of his partner. That means I whisper, I pull him
into the hall or the bathroom, I am subtle, I make things
his idea and I prompt gently.
You’ll interfere with and control their partner’s wishes at
the birth:
Dad’s sometimes think Doulas are the crazy protectors of
all-natural birth who will throw themselves over the
mother’s body to prevent any needles from entering her,
anywhere! Frankly, some Doulas believe that. And some
moms want that Doula. But that is not me.
Although I have my own, strongly held, well-informed views
about the lack of necessity and over-use of many
interventions, I also respect very strongly a woman’s right
to informed consent and informed choice. The key for me is
informed. If she wishes to have an intervention and has
been informed of the risks and benefits, and still wishes
to proceed, that is her right. It is her birth, not mine,
and I have no right to control her choices.
I make darn sure to get a sense prenatally of her wishes
for the birth and her philosophy around pain control, and
his wishes, too. I try to ensure that they are both well
informed and aware of non-pharmaceutical options for pain
relief. I make sure that I am a well-stocked doula with
lots of tricks and goodies to offer relief. I prompt
position changes and upright postures. I don’t end up with
many epidurals, very little narcotics, and sometimes
laughing gas. But it was mom’s choice and she felt in
control.
You’re overcharging for something nurses do anyway:
This comes down to simple misinformation. Dads and moms
don’t understand how little time nurses have available at a
birth for hands on comfort care. I simply let them know
the information. One study put the average that 10% of the
nurse’s time at the birth could be spent on hand’s on care.
Even the best nurse cannot simply sit continuously with a
laboring couple and offer the kind of care a doula can.
Even if they wanted to, and I know many nurses who wish
they could simply “doula” at a birth, they have many other
responsibilities. They have to ensure that the equipment
and supplies are set up for the birth. They have to chart
and report out to the doctor or midwife. They have to
assess the well being of mum and babe throughout. They
have to fulfill their clinical duties and to do it well.
For that reason, I don’t want to be the maternity nurse, folks; I want to be the doula. Then I get to do the continuous
hands on physical, emotional and informational support and
none of the other stuff.
So, that is my approach when confronted with the wary dad
and the eager mom. Sometimes I am not convincing enough.
Well, you win some, you lose some.
What I have found, however, is that the most resistant dads
are usually first in line to call me to come for their
subsequent birth experiences. Sometimes the only way a dad
can value what a Doula can offer is for him to experience a
birth without one. But don’t say, “I told you so!”
Happy birthing.
Sarah Hilbert-West is a Childbirth Educator, Birth Doula, Breastfeeding Counsellor and Post-Partum Depression Support Group Facilitator. She owns and operates http://www.birthwares.com, offering birth stools, unique teaching aids and useful resources for childbirth educators, doulas, parents, and midwives.
http://www.birthwares.com - the site for YOU!
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