All married couples face problems from time to time. Some couples have more problems than other couples, and sometimes these problems become major issues within the marriage. Issues that cause the eventual separation and divorce of the couple. When husband and wife feel they cannot resolve the problems themselves, they will sometimes turn to third party professionals for help. Sometimes the couple turns to a marriage counselor for advice and help in saving the marriage.

Some critics of counseling have made the argument that marriage counseling actually does more harm than good to relationships that are on the rocks. The problem is not that counseling itself is bad. Anything that promotes better communication between a husband and wife can be a good thing. Instead, there can be a problem with the counselor herself. Specifically, the counselor’s training and style of practice can make a difference in the counseling the couple gets.

Look for a true couple’s counselor
There are many therapists that claim to be couples’ therapists. This claim is based on the assumption that two people create a couple. A couple is not a headcount, but rather two individuals who share an intimate and complex bond with one another. A couple is a unique entity that is more than just the sum of the two personalities. Some so-called couple’s therapists treat couples the same way they treat individuals, thus leading to some serious counseling problems. Individual therapists work to discover the wants and needs of the individual. Whenever a couple has incompatible needs and wants there is a danger that the counselor who was trained as an individual therapist will take sides. It’s this incompatibility that caused the couple to seek a marriage counselor in the first place. But taking sides is not just unfair; it’s also the quickest way for one partner to leave the counseling. Who wants to feel as if he’s wrong or outnumbered in the counseling sessions? Make sure that your counselor is working for the benefit of the couple, and is not taking sides.

Do some research on your couple’s therapist. Ask if they have gone through training to deal with relationship and couples issues. Ask about previous clients – how many of the couples they have worked with actually stayed together and how many have split up? You’ll both want a high level of trust and confidence in your marriage counselor to be able to discuss with her the things you couldn’t discuss at home.

Do they walk the walk?
Be sure that you feel as though your therapist values your opinions. Whenever the two of you do not agree on an issue, see if your therapist can help you develop a third way, an alternative solution. Ask about your therapist’s values on marriage and relationships. Are they themselves married? How many times? Any professional’s advice becomes a little suspect if they themselves don’t walk the walk. While education is all well and good, sometimes hands on experience can bring new light to a discussion.

It’s okay to change
Lastly, even if your therapist is doing everything in his or her power to help you, sometimes there is a mismatch. If you’re not making the progress you want, try a second therapist or seek out other professional help. If your counselor is truly a professional, she will understand and even agree with your decision to transfer. After all, it’s your money, and your marriage.

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Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com

Click here to ask Alan a question about your biggest relationship issue http://relationshipsuccessexperts.com/askalan.htm

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©2005 Alan Stafford/Relationship Success Experts
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