With the advent of couples becoming aware of the importance of sharing in a relationship, the “hard and set rules” of the man being the breadwinner and the wife being the caregiver, housewife and mother are dissipating. Now men are beginning to see how important it is to become involved emotionally with their wife and children. The satisfaction that they experience is quite intense and the closeness that develops as well as the ability for the couple to problem solve is definitely enhanced.

Probably the biggest obstacle to this type of relationship is what each partner was exposed to and identified with in their family of origin. One man I recently spoke with indicated that he still yearns for the “absolute power” that his father enjoyed in his parent’s relationship enabling him to come and go as he pleased with little or no consideration for anyone else in the family. But, he quickly added, the realization of that fantasy wouldn’t allow him to reap the benefits of closeness that he now enjoys with his wife and children.

Love Isn’t Enough

There are only a few people who will talk about their primary motive(s) for marriage as being financial security, physical attraction or having a family. Most talk about love as being something they look to as being the reason they choose to marry. “Love conquers all” is a common saying that many believe will provide the answers to any of the problems they might encounter as a married couple. They believe that their love for each other is so deep they will be able to find both solace and solutions to whatever the issue(s) might be with which they need to deal. This is a wonderful concept and, there certainly is validity to it. However, love, alone, is not enough.

It has been only within the last ten to fifteen years that professional relationship counselors and psychotherapists have been able to clearly identify the components that are necessary in order for a marriage to operate successfully. That is not to say that we didn’t have an idea of what those were previously but patterns involved in marriage have become much more clear enabling professionals to look for common guideposts in relationships. These can serve as an aid to describing the problems in a relationship as well as help provide solutions to those problems as well.

A Marriage Does Not A Relationship Make...

I differentiate between marriage and a relationship. A marriage is a promise that a couple makes to commit to one another. It is an obligation that both vow to uphold their part in a relationship. It is a contract with both legal and possibly religious implications that “bind” two people together as husband and wife “forsaking all others” until “death do you part”. The love that each partner has for the other is what brings this contract about but usually, that love might wane in the face of certain types of problems that seem to disallow the couple to resolve issues successfully. Whenever I hear either/both partner(s) say they “have fallen out of love” with each other, that is usually an indicator that they are not aware of the mechanics of what is important in having a relationship

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