News and Society > Relationships > Overcoming Fears of Intimacy
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Article rating : 0.00, 0 votes. Author : Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Sam, age 42, had never been married. It’s not that Sam had never fallen
in love. But every time a relationship had started to move toward
commitment, Sam ran.
When Sam’s loneliness became overwhelming to him, he called me for
help.
“I want to be in a relationship, yet every time I get close to someone, I
run away. I’m not even sure what I’m so afraid of, but I must be terrified
of something!”
“Sam, what happens inside you when you like someone?” The
following answer and resulting dialogue came out over time, but I’ve
condensed it here.
“I think that if this person really knew me, she wouldn’t like me. I do all
kinds of nice things for her so she will like me. Then after a while I start
to feel trapped and I pull back. She gets upset about my pulling back
and I then feel even more trapped. Once she gets mad at me, I stop
feeling in love with her. That’s when I decide she is not the right one for
me. This has happened over and over.”
“So the first problem is that you believe that she won’t like you when she
gets to know you. Out of your fear of rejection, you try to control how she
feels about you by doing nice things for her. But then you feel trapped
and your fear of engulfment – of being controlled by her and losing
yourself in the relationship – kicks in. Then you run. It sounds like your
underlying fears of rejection and engulfment are controlling your life and
not letting you share love.”
“That’s exactly right! So what do I do about this?”
Sam was operating from core shame – the false belief that there was
something basically wrong with him. As long as he believed that he was
inherently flawed and unlovable, he would fear rejection. Out of his fear
of rejection, he would give himself up until he felt trapped, and then he
would run.
The part of Sam that believed that he wasn’t good enough is his
wounded self. The basis of the wounded self in all of us is our core
shame false belief – the belief that we are inherently flawed. Our
wounded self does not know that we are a perfect child of God, an
individual expression of the Divine. Because the wounded self operates
out of false beliefs rather than from the truth of who we really are, it
wants to control how people feel about us. Sam needed to develop a
loving Adult part of himself – a part of himself connected to a spiritual
Source of love and truth – in order to heal his core shame.
The Six Step Inner Bonding process is a profound process for
developing the loving Adult and for healing the fears and limiting beliefs
of the wounded self. As Sam started to practice Inner Bonding, he slowly
developed an Adult self who loved and valued his core Self, his true
essence. As he developed this inner sense of personal power, he lost
his fear of rejection. He saw that if a woman rejected him, it was
because of her fears rather than because of his inadequacy or
unlovability. Because he stopped taking rejection personally, he
stopped fearing it.
Once he stopped fearing rejection, he stopped giving himself up in his
attempt to control how a woman felt about him. Once he stopped giving
himself up, he stopped feel trapped and engulfed in a relationship.
Over time, by consistently practicing the Six Steps of Inner Bonding,
Sam developed a powerful inner loving Adult self and healed his fears
of rejection and engulfment. Sam is now happily married with a child on
the way.
This did not happen quickly. It took Sam time to heal his false beliefs
about his own adequacy and lovability. It took time to develop a
personal relationship with a spiritual Source of love and truth. It took
time to be in truth with a woman rather than being “nice” to try to control
how she felt about him. It took time for him to feel safe in being himself. It
took a couple of years of devoted inner work.
But if you were to ask Sam if all the time it took was worth it, he would
look at you with shining eyes and a huge grin and you would feel the joy
within him. You would have no doubt that it was worth whatever time it
took.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and
“Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner
Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com
at
margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.
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