When couples come in for their first session, they typically come ready to air their complaints and gripes about the other person, perhaps hoping to win someone to their side.

The first two questions I ask a couple in the first session are, "How did you meet?" and "What attracted you to each other in the beginning?"

This surprises many couples at first, but my goal is to begin to help them focus on the strengths and positives in the relationship before we get to the problem areas.

Let's look in on how this went in a first session with a fictional couple we will call Bob and Mary.

Me: "How did you two meet?"

Bob: "We met in college through some mutual friends."

Me: "What first attracted you to each other?"

Mary: "I thought Bob was a good-looking guy and he made me laugh. He was very spontaneous and fun-loving."

Bob: "Mary was really pretty and laughed at my jokes. We had a lot of fun together. She helped me to be more serious about the future."

Traits that made our mate great become traits that grate

In our search for a partner, each of us seems to be drawn to someone with complementary characteristics. The complementary characteristics in this case are Bob's spontaneity and sense of humor and Mary's stabilizing, future-focused view.

In most situations, these characteristics begin to be problem areas in the relationship.

Me: "What seems to be the struggle for the two of you?"

Mary: "Bob is so irresponsible, he never takes anything seriously anymore, including me!"

Bob: "It's just that I am so tired. of being nagged all the time. She is no fun anymore!"

Next, I ask them a series of connected questions. First, I ask them to remember when and if the relationship was working.

I then help them to identify and verbalize what specific things each partner did or said that made the marriage work.

After that, I ask what is called the "miracle question," that is, "If a miracle happened tonight while you were sleeping, and tomorrow morning your relationship was like you want it to be, what would be different?"

Here's how Bob and Mary responded to the "miracle question."

Bob: "We would have fun again. Mary. would notice when I do take care of things. I wouldn't feel so criticized."

Mary: "I could trust Bob again to do what he says he'll do. I would feel like I was important to him."

The miracle question allows us to focus on goals for the relationship. I usually send people home with the suggestion they continue the conversation about two things:

1. What first attracted them to each other?

2. How would they like the relationship to be?

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

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