Perhaps this will seem surprising, but all of your relationships can be therapeutic – for you, and for the people you are with. As a hypnotherapist, I am accustomed to developing therapeutic relationships with clients, for 60 or 90 minute sessions. Yet as I conduct my everyday life, I also find that the disciplines of therapy apply in every possible situation. Let me give you some examples.

One of the primary requirements for any psychotherapist is to be congruent – that is, to achieve a state in which values, beliefs and behaviours are all aligned. Think of it as being centred, having integrity, and allowing one’s feelings to be shared openly with the world. When in a really congruent state, the therapist can help his or her client without really doing anything – congruence is about being, rather than doing. Now I’m sure you can bring to mind occasions when you were far from congruent, when the tensions of the day had bottled up deep inside you, behind your walls, so that when you met up with family members you were a long way from being open, centred and calm. Ring any bells? Most family arguments occur when at least one party is in this kind of unhealthy psychological condition.

So incongruence can lead to arguments and upset. So much is common sense. Working on establishing congruence can achieve something remarkable – a state of mind in which you heal the people around you, simply by being.

I work with a Buddhist monk occasionally, and he has a wonderful quality of inducing calmness in everybody he meets. Here is a man who has made it his life’s work to examine his mind, objectively, just observing what is happening and allowing any upsets to fade away. On one level this is nothing more than self discipline; at another level, it seems miraculous. In our frenzied existence we rarely allow ourselves the time and space to heal our own minds, let alone become healthy enough to heal the minds of our loved ones, colleagues, neighbours. Yet we can.

Another example of the everyday therapeutic relationship is simply the practice of active listening. It takes effort and commitment to listen well, and people respond to a good listener. Sometimes all we need is to be heard – without judgement, advice or comment – and to know that the other person has really taken in what we are saying and how we are feeling. Be honest, when was the last time you listened like that, without offering advice? Most of us feel compelled to advise, even when this is the last thing we should be doing.

Life is a series of negotiations with fellow humans. We can make one another miserable, or we can expend a little energy and thought in helping one another to become calmer and more happy. There – I feel better for getting that off my chest.

Jim Smith-Cartwright is a hypnotherapist. His website is http://psychecheshire.tripod.com.

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