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News and Society > Relationships > To End or Not to End Your Relationship
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Article rating : 0.00, 0 votes. Author : Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Vanessa, 30 years old, is struggling with whether or not to end her six-
year marriage. The answer is not at all clear to her.
Vanessa and Jon have a “good” marriage. They are kind and caring
with each other. They enjoy many of the same things. So why is
Vanessa in such turmoil over whether to stay or leave?
The problem is that Vanessa is very lonely with Jon. They are good
friends, but they are not emotionally intimate. Jon has no desire to share
any of his feelings with Vanessa, nor does he have any desire to
understand Vanessa’s feelings. He is content to keep everything on the
surface, while Vanessa wants a deeper emotional connection.
Since they have many good things in their marriage, Vanessa has
decided to try marriage counseling, and Jon has agreed. Counseling or
not, there is only one thing that can save this marriage – Jon and
Vanessa shifting out of their intent to protect against pain and into an
intent to learn about what is loving to themselves and each other.
Jon’s intent has always been to protect against pain rather than to learn
about being loving to himself and others. He has done this by numbing
out his feeling with marijuana and work. Jon’s choice to continue to
protect against pain or to begin to open to learning from his feelings will
determine the outcome of the counseling.
Vanessa, too, has operated with the intent to protect against pain. She
has ignored her own feelings and been a “good” wife, submerging her
own needs to comply with what Jon wanted. But at some point, she
shifted her intent to learning about what is loving to herself, and now she
realizes she cannot continue in an emotionally disconnected marriage.
The issues in your relationship may be about emotional distance, lack of
passion, sexual problems, constant fighting, emotional abuse, (if there is
physical abuse, then you must find a way to leave), or being used
financially. There may be control and resistance occurring around many
different issues. Yet the underlying issue is a lack of open and caring
communication. And open communication only occurs when both
people have a deep intention to learn about their feelings, fears, limiting
beliefs, and resulting unloving behavior. If one or both people in a
relationship are closed to learning about themselves and each other,
the relationship will not heal.
If you are thinking about leaving your relationship, first think about your
own intent. Are you open to learning about your feelings, beliefs and
behavior? Or, are you devoted to protecting against pain with anger,
withdrawal, resistance or caretaking? Are you avoiding your feelings
with substances and activities, or are you opening to learning from your
feelings and exploring yourself with a process such as the Inner
Bonding process that we teach? The first thing you need to do is deal
with your own intent.
Once you are open to learning for a number of months, and really doing
your inner work, then re-evaluate your relationship. Has anything
changed? Is your partner more or less open to you? Are you talking
more and fighting or withdrawing less?
If things are not getting better or are getting worse, then it is time to ask
your partner if he or she is willing to do some healing work with you –
through counseling, workshops, and reading books together. If your
partner refuses to embark on a learning journey with you, then it is clear
that this relationship will not change. At this point, you need to either
fully accept it as it is or leave it. It will not become the relationship you
want it to be unless both of you are open to learning.
If one or both partners remain in the intent to protect, the relationship will
not heal. Yet most relationships can be healed when both people are
deeply devoted to learning about loving themselves and each other.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and
“Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner
Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her
at margaret@innerbonding.com Phone Sessions Available.
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