When we’re young, we’re taught to play nice and share. Selfishness is a vice, and consideration a virtue. We carry those beliefs with us into adulthood where they work well in everyday life. But, the situation is different when you’re dating. Dating is all about finding someone who meets your requirements for a mate. It’s not about molding yourself to fit your partner’s requirements. So, the best way to have long term success in your relationship? Be more selfish when dating.

Most men and women aren't nearly selfish enough when they are dating. That may sound backward to you because you try to be on your best behavior during a date. You try to make a good impression. You try to be considerate and selfless because you want the other person to like you. While this selflessness makes you a great date, it doesn’t get you what you want. It doesn’t get you a life partner who meets your definition of a good mate. Years later, you’re unhappy. You really didn’t choose a mate; you were chosen.

It’s all about him

You make a big mistake when you set aside your feelings and cater totally to the other person desires so that he or she will like you. That’s bad for two reasons.

First, it’s not fair to your date. He never gets to know you: your tastes, your preferences, and your personality. So how could he know if the two of you are really compatible? Express yourself. Let him know your preferences and your quirks. Give him the chance to bail if you don’t fit his ideal for a partner. Don’t show him just your good side in order to have a relationship. Br open, and be real. If he’s the man for you, he’ll accept you and will want to please you. If he’s not the man for you, better to find out now instead of after the wedding when you have a big mortgage and small kids.

It’s all about you You're also being unfair to yourself. By suppressing your desires and preferences, you are letting your partner set the terms of the relationship. That doesn’t work long term. In fact, a major cause of divorces is because one or both spouses “settled” for the other in order to have a relationship and get married.

Don’t settle. Be selfish. This is your relationship, too. You have the right to choose anyone and reject anyone for any reason. You don’t owe your dates anything except courtesy and kindness. You will owe your spouse a lifetime of love and commitment. The more selfish you are during the dating process-the choosier you are when selecting a life partner-the easier it will be to love and to cherish.

Selfish in dating, but selfless in love

If you’re dating the right person, he or she will love you just as you are. There are plenty of prospects who will meet your requirements and needs. Prospects who fit your ideal of a life partner. But, you’ll never find them if you settle for something less than you want. Be up front from the beginning. Express yourself freely and openly. It’s not phony, it’s not pretentious: it’s you being you. You can still be charming and polite. But, be prepared for a lot of dates to walk away. The fact that you weren’t right for them means that they weren’t right for you. Right? Openness and honesty in dating will also carry forward into openness and honesty in marriage. Knowing that you are right for each other before the wedding is the secret to a lifetime of wedded bliss as a couple.

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Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com

Click here to ask Alan a question about your biggest relationship issue http://relationshipsuccessexperts.com/askalan.htm

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©2005 Alan Stafford/Relationship Success Experts
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