It is my considered opinion that we should accept and strongly advocate private masturbation as the method of choice for the relief of all pre-marital sexual urges. I say this after examining both the classical sources, which are universally negative when discussing this topic; and the reality of our times, which creates an impossible no-win situation for our teen-agers.

The Torah tells the following story of Er and Onan, the sons of Judah, one of Joseph’ s older brothers in Genesis 37:2-9:

“Judah took the daughter of a Canaanite man to be his wife. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son, named Er. She became pregnant again and gave birth to another son, named Onan. The she became pregnant a third time and gave birth to a third son, named Sheyla. Now Judah took a wife for his first-born son Er, her name was Tamar. But Er did evil in the sight of God, and he died. Judah then said to Onan, his next-born, ‘have sex with your brother’s wife to preserve your brother’s seed.’ But Onan knew that the seed would not be his. So it was, when he came in to his brother’s wife, he let his seed go to ruin on the ground, so as not to provide seed for his brother. What he did was evil in the eyes of God, and he, too, died.”

According to the Torah, a man was required to marry his deceased brother’s childless widow in order to maintain his brother’s “name” and family line. Onan refused to do this for his dead brother Er. The Rabbis say: Onan engaged either in “coitus interruptus,” that is he started but did not finish the sex act with Tamar; or else he masturbated. He refused to get Tamar pregnant. For the Rabbis, sex was always seen as a way of making babies only, sex as “fun” was frowned upon. The first commandment in the Torah is “p’ru u’r’vu, be fruitful and multiply” and so the Rabbis wanted to be certain that sex was only for the purpose of performing that mitzvah, and not for any other reason. In the Rabbis’ defense it is absolutely true that since a man’s sperm carries potential life, to waste that sperm is to waste potential life. The Rabbis were very clear about their desire to create and preserve life whenever possible. For them, masturbation was considered to be a waste of life-producing sperm and therefore a sin against God, and so the Rabbis prohibited it. For them, the story of Er and Onan is about sex and the responsibilities of a man to his dead brother.

But there are those, myself included, who understand the story of Er and Onan as being not about sex, but rather about property rights. I understand why Onan did what he did; he actually valued the connection between love and sex. He knew very well that even if Tamar would become pregnant by his sperm, the child would be seen as his brother Er’s, not as his. And this was unacceptable to him. Onan was not interested in producing a child that he personally would not get to raise as his own. To have a physical relationship with his sister-in-law was unacceptable to him, he was not a “one-night-stand” kind of guy. He insisted on sex with love attached, not all by itself.

Now let’s talk about today. Everywhere we look-TV, newspapers, magazines, Internet and movies-we are bombarded with images of sex: teen magazines filled from cover to cover with pictures of handsome hunks and sleazy babes; stores at the malls showing and selling tight Speedos and short skirts and blouses which cover very little cleavage; commercials for food, drink, and cigarettes which promise “a good time.” Everywhere we look, sex is in our face. Even the former President of the United States is not immune. What’s a guy or gal to do? We all have normal sex drives, God gave them to us as a gift, to be used when we get married. I believe sex belongs in marriage only, not before marriage and not with someone else while you’re married. So, I advocate masturbation, for the following reasons. First, it is private. Judaism stresses the concept of tz’niut, modesty. Your body is not something to be shared with anyone who just feels like having a good time, even if you might agree. Sex should be between you and your spouse, no one else. Instead of the tendency in our society to “reveal” everything, we should be much more private. Second, you cannot get a communicable disease from masturbation, and you won’t ever need to get an abortion. Third, it costs nothing-no condoms and no birth control pills needed.

Life is very complicated these days, and we are forced to make choices which will create consequences for the rest of our lives. I am suggesting we keep things private and simple and modest. Masturbation achieves all these goals, and creates good feelings. It should be our first choice in this complex world in which we live.

Dr. Mel Glazer is a Grief Recovery Specialist working in private practice with grievers all across America. You can visit his website at http://www.yourgriefmatters.com. Dr. Glazer has served as a Rabbi, Author, and Speaker for over thirty years, and he is recognized as a pioneer in the art of using our life-losses to help us learn life-lessons. We only uncover what is truly important about ourselves by how we respond to the losses in our lives, and so each loss becomes our cherished teacher. Some examples of loss include:

the death of a loved one, or a less-than-loved-one; divorce; serious physical, mental or emotional illness; financial distress; the end of a serious relationship; when a child leaves home for college; and even the death of a pet.

He is widely published, and his upcoming book, And God Created Hope: How Our Favorite Bible Stories Lead Us From Mourning To Morning (2006), follows in the footsteps of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

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