Self Improvement > Are You Annoying? Update Your Personality
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Article rating : 0.00, 0 votes. Author : Doris Helmering
Is it TIME to update your personality? This question may sound strange, but we should occasionally ask ourselves, “Do I need to change anything about the way I present myself to others?” For example, George came to see me a month ago. He’s been looking for another job and although his credentials are good and there are openings in his field, he’s had no offers. What is he doing wrong?
Immediately I noticed that George couldn’t sit still. He jiggled and shifted in his chair, moving from side to side. He tapped on his shoe, drummed his fingers on the side of the chair, and picked at his nails as he talked. Although most people are somewhat nervous when they first come to see me, George’s exaggerated, agitated behavior distracted me from what he was saying.
I told George good-naturedly that he was starting to make me sea sick and asked him to please stop jiggling. He laughed and said that he’d been annoying people this way all his life. I asked why he didn’t change if he knew his actions bothered others. He said he had never thought about it before.
Another annoying behavior of George’s -- each time I tried to say something, George would ignore my cues and keep on talking. George is funny and verbal and if left unchecked, I’m sure he could pontificate for hours. In a conversation, however, there needs to be a back-and-forth repartee. To help George be aware of his tendency to go on and on, I asked him to pause after every six or eight sentences.
This would encourage him to notice me and whether I had anything to add to our conversation. I noted that George did not get defensive when I suggested these changes. And several times during the session he grinned broadly and called himself on his own behavior by saying, “I think I’ve used up my eight sentences.” I could see too that he was making an effort to sit more quietly. By the end of the first session George was on his way to updating his personality.
Jim is another person who needs to update his good-old-boy style. Each time I run into Jim, he has to tell a few jokes before we can have a conversation. His jokes may serve as a warm-up
for him, but they don’t take into account what might be going on with me.
Ann is too focused on herself. She tells you what’s going on in her life but forgets to ask what’s going on in yours. Ann would serve herself better if she would make it a point to learn two or three things about the other person each time she engages in conversation.
Alice continually talks about negative events in our world. After a hours with Alice even an optimist would anxious. Alice should fortify herself some positive topics to bring to conversations.
Frank always thinks he’s right. If someone tells him something he disagrees with, he responds by getting angry. He is unable to discuss anything that doesn’t fit with his idea of right and wrong. Because you must be careful not to anger Frank, trying to have any meaningful conversation with him can wear you out. Frank would be wise to read more and try to understand the other person’s point of view.
All we hear from Tom is how busy he is and how much he has to do. Doug never gives anyone credit and thinks all ideas have originated with him. He’s also very sarcastic. Debbie walks around like a victim and rarely smiles. Ralph doesn’t look at people when he talks. Joan never stops talking. Bill always has something negative to say about someone behind his back. Sharon is continually late. No matter what the topic of conversation, Susan thinks she’s an expert and must give a long-winded opinion. Fred forgets that we’ve had a social revolution, and putting down women is no longer in vogue. Now, what part of your personality do you need to update? Fill in the blank. I need to ___________.
Doris Wild Helmering, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in St. Louis who has guided individuals and couples with her practical, calm, advice for over twenty years. Doris has written eight books, magazine and newspaper articles, and is a frequent guest on radio and TV. She is an expert on marriage and relationships and has an innate ability to get straight to the heart of an issue and make you want to change. Visit Doris' blog at http://www.doriswildhelmering.com/blog for access to more of Doris' writing and programs.
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