Self Improvement > Are You a Trash Can for Others Negativity?
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Article rating : 0.00, 0 votes. Author : Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Carmen, a client of mine, told me at the end of one of her sessions, “I’m
no longer willing to be a trash can for others’ negativity.”
“Wow!” I said. “I’m delighted to hear that! And I love that metaphor!”
Carmen is a lovely, warm, intelligent and compassionate young woman
in her late 20’s. Coming from a very narcissistic mother, Carmen learned
early in life to be safe from her mother’s anger by listening to her
mother’s complaints. She learned to put aside her own feelings and be
a mother to her mother. Of course, no matter how much she gave to her
mother, it was never enough. It wasn’t until Carmen started her inner
work that she discovered was narcissism was.
Early in our work together, Carmen discovered that most of her friends
were just like her mother. “ I sit and listen to them complain or listen to
them brag. They are never interested in me at all. If I say anything about
myself, they always bring it right back to themselves. Why are so many
of my friends like this?”
“Because you are willing to listen without speaking up for yourself.
There are many self-absorbed people, narcissistic people with
entitlement issues, who just love it when someone is willing to listen to
them. As long as you are willing to listen their complaints and support
their self-centeredness, they will continue to do it.”
“But if I speak up, I won’t have any friends.”
“Well, you might not have many friends for awhile, but eventually you
will find new friends – people who really care about you. When you are
willing to care about yourself instead of putting yourself aside, you will
attract people who care about you. But this will take time. You need to
be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose yourself. Do you
think you are ready to do this?”
“Yes! I don’t want to be a trash can anymore. I don’t want people
dumping their negativity onto me anymore.”
How do you feel inside when you allow others to dump their negativity -
their complaints, their anger, their self-centeredness and sense of
entitlement onto you? If you really look inside instead of pushing your
own feelings into a closet, you will discover that you feel really lonely
with these people. There is no mutual support, no sharing of love, no
mutual giving and receiving. You give and they take, and you end up
feeling drained and lonely. Yet you hang in there for fear of being alone
with no friends or no partner.
If you are really honest with yourself, you will find that it’s not worth it –
that you deserve better than to be a trash can for others’ negativity.
It takes faith and courage to speak up for yourself. It takes courage to
say to your friend who is dumping her negativity onto you, “This doesn’t
feel good. Whenever we are together all you do is complain or talk on
and on about yourself. You are never interested in me at all, and this is
no longer okay with me. Either this needs to change or I don’t want to
spend time with you. It’s not fun for me and I just end up feeling used
and drained.”
When you become willing to speak up for yourself, you will discover who
really are your friends and who was just using you. Some people may
say, “I’m so grateful you told me this. I didn’t realize I was doing this. I
want to stop, and I would appreciate your pointing it out to me next time I
do it.” Others will go into denial and say, “That’s not true. I listen to you
all the time.” Others will just get angry and go away.
It’s a great way to discover who your friends really are!
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and
“Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner
Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her
at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.
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