Learn to apply these 4 communication steps so that its as natural as tying your shoes, and you will find that you are able to gracefully set boundaries with people who do things that hurt, disrespect or bother you.

Warning – It is not as easy as it sounds! It takes practice…so start practicing today!

The key to success in using these steps is to say them in a neutral tone of voice. No emotion. No judging. No criticizing. No defending. Practice keeping your voice calm, not raising it or lowering it. Admit it – you know when your voice is charged up a bit.

Think of going through these 4 steps using the same voice with which you might make an observation such as “the grass is green”. You are simply stating something, not trying to convince someone of it, or guilt them into agreeing. If you can get this skill down, you can say just about anything to anybody and stay in control and calm.

OK, the 4 steps:

INFORM: “Do you realize that you are shouting?” or, “Do you realize that comment hurt me?” Usually, with most people, this neutral statement will be enough for them to actually back off, apologize, and stop the unwanted behavior. If the behavior continues, then take it up to step 2 – but only after you’ve tried step one.

REQUEST: Ask them to stop. “I ask that you stop shouting” or, “I ask that you only give me constructive feedback”. If they still don’t get it, then – step 3.

DEMAND or INSIST: “I insist that you stop shouting at me now.” If (and this would be very unusual) they still keep it up, go to the next level. (Don’t forget – you are still saying these things in a totally neutral, uncharged voice! Like I said, it is NOT easy!)

LEAVE: “I can’t continue this conversation while you are shouting at me. I am leaving the room now.” For this model to work cleanly and effectively, you must discipline yourself to resist the urge to make any sassy comebacks or remarks.

If this 4 step model, executed cleanly several times, does not work and the person does not change his or her behavior, you may need to get help from a therapist, or you may need to consider leaving the relationship. People who really love and respect you will respect your boundaries.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of "Personal Power: 4 Communication Steps to Get It and Keep It" where I'll give you a real life example of the power of this communication model.

Until then, practice, practice, practice. The key is to be able to maintain a calm, neutral, unemotional tone of voice.

Visit LifeHouse Coaching and sign up to receive more f*r*e*e* weekly tips in "Blueprints for a Dream Life." Edi Sowers works with professional women who face the challenge of balancing personal and professional priorities.

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