I can’t wait until everything about my life is ‘perfect’ so that everyone will be jealous” said 15 year old Tania. “Then I won’ t have to worry about people criticizing me or having a lot of friends or doing whatever I want to do…I’ll be so popular that everyone will want me to spend time with me. And if there’s anything that I don’t like about the way I look, I’ll have a surgeon fix it…I’ll be ‘flawless’ “.

It’s very hard not to be somewhat paranoid these days. Many people “look over their shoulder” on a regular basis to make sure they “look good” or are “politically correct” or whatever. When I conduct workshops I ask people to go home and find just one positive article on the front page of their newspaper. We are more apt to be criticized than praised and supported by others. The feeling for many is one of “standing out there all alone” with no one to appreciate who we are. Instead, people tend to believe that they need to be what/who others want them to be so that they’ll be accepted…even loved. For many adults, the feeling might be similar to a child’s learning that his parents are divorcing…that sense of abandonment and questioning whether they may have caused the breakup despite the fact they had nothing to do with it.

The more we can come to accept ourselves for who we are and clearly manifest that person to others, the more we tend to find out who our true friends are and, surprisingly, the “acceptance factor” is much greater than we might anticipate. We don’t need to be perfect in order to be loved. True love and friendship doesn’t depend on pleasing the other person to the extent of denying our basic human nature. That’s a game…a very dangerous game that usually ends up with all of the participants getting hurt. Our practicing being genuinely supportive of others instead of being critical when they make a mistake enables much closer and more meaningful relationships. The stressful thoughts and feelings of whether we’re liked or loved enough will dissipate and our lives and relationships will take on a more healthy and happy tone. Whether with our own families or with our friends and acquaintances, you can still attract “more bees with honey than with vinegar”.

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