“I said I was sorry!!”

How many times have you heard that phrase when you were angry and someone else was trying to calm you down with an “I’m sorry.” Unless you believe their words, this phrase just doesn’t work. Why not? Well, It doesn’t work because its an overused phrase. We say or hear “I’m sorry” on a daily basis. We use it when we bump into someone, or when we make a simple mistake. We’re desensitized to “I’m sorry,” as just being politeness, rather than sincerity. So when someone truly is angry at you and they hear an “I’m sorry” line or some variation of it—it might not always work and in some cases it might anger them because they might interpret it as, “There… I said the magic words, now shut up and stop complaining.”

Well then what do I say?

Honestly, it’s less of a matter of WHAT you say than it is HOW you say it. Any apology really is a good apology, but the other person has to believe that it is genuine otherwise they will just brush it off as a having no real meaning to them. How is sincerity conveyed? Sincerity is created when your nonverbal communication matches your words. Nonverbal communication includes: body position, eye-contact, gestures, voice modulation, and facial expression—to name only a couple. For the purposes of this article we are not going to go into the nitty-gritty of nonverbal linguistics, but its safe to say that the way you say your words along with your body language is often more important than the words themselves. One of the clearest forms of deception is when the words don’t match up with the person’s body language. If someone tells you that they are interested, yet their body is not pointed towards you, then this is known as inconsistency. To express genuine emotions, you must make sure that your nonverbal communication is in synch with that of your verbal words. Know that the other person is looking for empathy on your part more than a reason. They also seek some form of acknowledgement from you. They want to have both auditory and visual confirmation that you are telling them the truth because their fears will lead them always to be suspicious of any verbal offering that you give them when they are feeling hurt. When in doubt, just remember this adage: “Mean what you say, don’t just say what you mean.”

Tristan Loo is a conflict management expert and founder of Alternative Conflict Resolution Services in San Diego, California. He's the author of Street Negotiation--How To Resolve Any Conflict Anytime. Tristan uses his law enforcement experience to train others in the prinicples of defusing conflict and reaching agreements. Visit his website at http://www.acrsonline.com or e-mail him directly at tristan@acrsonline.com

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