Yesterday was one of those days. I was so pooped that I struggled to sit upright at the dining room table. It took extreme effort to hold my head up out of the soup bowl. Days like that are common for me because I have a connective tissue disease that causes chronic fatigue as well as pain.

If you've never experienced fatigue, you can't understand how debilitating it is. It's not the exhilarating tired you feel after aerobic exercising. It’s not the contented tired you feel after gardening all day. It's more of a crash and burn, hit-the-wall, feel like you're dead or dying exhaustion. I think it must be the way the coyote feels after chasing the roadrunner all day and being pulled through a wringer, hurled off a cliff, blown up with dynamite, run over by a truck, squeezed through a knothole, and then having an Acme safe dropped on his head.

Exhaustion is the burn out toddlers experience after skipping their afternoon nap. I can relate when I see a two year old in a shopping mall throw himself to the floor sobbing. There are many days I feel like doing that, but I lack the energy required to cry.

The worst thing about chronic fatigue is that even after a full night's sleep, I still don't feel refreshed. Most mornings I wake up just as tired as I was when I went to bed. Fatigue is like a thirst that is never quenched or a hunger that's not satisfied. I rarely get "enough" rest.

Though I've dealt with weakness and fatigue for years, it still frustrates me. I get angry when the most strenuous activity I can accomplish is

Thinking about this recently got me so upset it triggered a hot flash. I decided to do something about it. So I started whining. I’ve developed complaining to a fine art, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t help the situation. In fact, focusing on the negative usually makes things seem even more miserable.

I must remind myself that, though I’m weak on the outside, I can develop INNER strength.

And guess what. The best way to develop strength within is to face problems without. Problems like physical ailments and fatigue. Shucks! You didn’t want to hear that, did you? Problems may wear down the body, but they can build up the spiritual "struggle muscles." Strength may be in the form of perseverence, patience, determination, or greater faith. You may not run faster, jump higher, or leap Misery Mountain in a single bound; but you can likely feel your hope grow stronger.

Now when I start to complain, I (try to) replace my whining "Why me" attitude with a more positive "whatever" attitude. I say “Whatever happens, I’ll make it through!” With a new perspective, I can hope for the best; but I also prepare for the worst. And then I accept whatever comes.

Though I am weak and tired, I can be strong.

Marsha Jordan
Author of "Hugs, Hope, and Peanut Butter"
hugsandhope@gmail.com
www.hugsandhope.org

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