Not only won’t he ask for directions, you have to elbow him when he won’t bargain with the car salesman. When you don’t demand a better deal on that digital camera, your teenager kicks you in the shins because he saw it for less on line. A website service features fees you think you can’t afford so you never contact the individual who would probably be willing to negotiate to get your business.

Even in the most obvious situations where compromise is expected, most Americans are embarrassed to negotiate. Donald Trump et al notwithstanding, the reluctance to master the art of the deal is primarily an American phenomenon. But could our frontier ancestors have survived without swapping and horse-trading? Maybe somewhere along the line Americans inherited a mutated ‘embarrassment’ gene rendering us too proud or self-conscious to dicker. I’ll leave the cultural explanation to the sociologists. The point is that elsewhere in the world people haggle for everything from toilet paper, carpets and plastic sandals to masterwork paintings.

Something in the American psyche also seems to holler, “Don’t get too close to me. I’m from the wide open spaces.” Even our first American flag had a snake on it that said, “Don’t Tread on Me.” Personally, I’m aware of my own knee jerk reaction in a movie theater when my neighbor’s elbow accidentally touches mine. While having a discussion with a person of another nationality, have you ever noticed how much closer he or she stands to you than an American? We need our space, and we hate to negotiate. Overseas, whether it’s a linguistically challenged businessperson or a congressional delegation from Washington, generally Americans are lousy dealmakers and uncomfortable with other nationalities. The Arab carpet merchant and the Hong Kong tailor expect us to bargain and are disappointed when we do it badly or not at all. While pocketing our dollars they are chuckling to themselves, “Americano el stupido.”

There are numerous how-to guidebooks for tourists and travelers. But if you simply find negotiating too damned uncomfortable, then just enjoy yourself and expect to pay more than you should. If you are willing to try it you may surprise yourself; maybe even have fun. Here are some rules that work for me.

1) In a foreign country: When you shop, ask how much. No matter what the other person says, you don’t intend to pay that price and you very politely tell him so. Then leave. He will call you back. His next offer is no good either and you shake your head and tell him it’s more than you can afford. Leave again. He won’t let you leave until you come to an agreement. The third offer should be acceptable to you and the merchant. I’ve seen others strike an even harder bargain.

2) In America: Even though we don’t ascribe to the foreign bargaining system, there are places where it is appropriate to dicker or ask for a discount. Vitamin and health food stores are examples; so are flea markets and other outdoor markets as well as antique shops.

Whether in politics, business or shopping ‘til you drop, negotiation has to end in a win-win deal. All parties must be satisfied. Our career diplomats (not political appointees) are trained in foreign languages and foreign cultures, and we had better hope they are permitted to do their jobs because world peace depends on compromise and deal making and there’s no place that needs it more than the Middle East.

On the homefront when buying a house, asking for a raise or arguing a lawsuit, everyone is faced with having to negotiate big and (which movie are we seeing?) little deals. Some, like Donald Trump, come to the art naturally. Most of us have to be taught. There are multitudes of books on the subject, including those by Trump. But “Getting to Yes. Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In” by Roger Fisher and William Ury of the Harvard Negotiation Project is in its second printing, and also worth the read. You want that raise? That BMW? Go for it.

"Simplicity-Courage-Wit-Soul"®

A former Foreign Service officer, Susan Scharfman is a writer/editor at http://www.susanscharfman.com

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