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Self Improvement > Success > Rules That Run Us
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Article rating : 0.00, 0 votes. Author : Stephen Gilbert
The game of Monopoly frustrated me when I was young. I
don't think I ever won a game. I remember drawing one of
the "Chance" cards while playing with my older brother. It
said, "Go Directly To Jail." I put the card at the bottom of the
little deck, and said, "I want a different card." My brother said
that I couldn't do that, it was against the rules. He looked at
the card I had drawn and took my "man" and put him in Jail. I
said, "I don't want to go to Jail," and took my man and held
him in my hand. My brother told me to put him back in Jail,
and to play by the rules. Incredulous, I held my man tight,
and asked a great question: "Who made these rules
anyway?"
Rules are often useful. If you're playing Monopoly, there
are rules that each player must follow. In fact, it is the rules
of Monopoly that define the game itself. If you have a deck of
cards, there are literally thousands of games you can play
with that same deck of cards. Each game is defined by its
rules.
If you are driving a car, there are rules to follow. If you
follow the rules of driving, then you avoid getting a ticket or in
an accident (as long as other drivers are following the same
rules).
In our individual lives we adopt which rules we live by. I
drive a car, and for the most part, follow the rules of the road,
both legal and common sense. I make money doing my job,
and I pay the taxes I owe. These are rules I have adopted. I
notice that I conduct my life by the rules I adopt. I also notice
that there are some rules that are unconscious.
Somewhere, at sometime, I learned a particular rule,
adopted it and then forgot about it. Such a rule still defines
my life because my life continues to be directed by it, albeit
unconsciously.
I spoke with a client this morning who was feeling
distressed about some circumstances in his life. A
long-time friend of his has a habit of being late for dates or
appointments they make with each other. My client had
mentioned this to his friend, but it seemed to make no
difference in his tardiness. "He sometimes calls me right at
the time we are supposed to meet to tell me that he'll be
leaving in about twenty minutes," my frustrated client said.
"I've tried just leaving without hooking up with him. Now he
is calling me to see if I'm still going to be there before he
leaves. I feel so angry and dismissed"
I asked my client this question: "If your friend is
breaking one of your rules by behaving this way, what does
that rule say?" He thought for a moment. "My rule is that
punctuality is an indicator of the other person's importance."
I asked him the same question that came to me in that
Monopoly game many years ago: "Who made this rule
anyway?"
While there are many rules that are necessary and
useful, there are just as many (maybe more!) that aren't.
Such rules may have made sense at one point in time, and
now they don't. They have outworn their usefulness.
Unconscious, unspoken, unacknowledged rules run our
lives until we notice them and question their authority and
benefit.
"Life is the only game in which the object of the game is
to learn the rules."
- Ashleigh Brilliant
"The problem I see with your rule," I said to my client, "is
that you pin your importance upon the actions of another. No
wonder you feel angry. Your rule takes your sense of
personal importance out of your hands. Is it possible for
punctuality to be an important value to you AND not make
you unimportant if someone is late?" By noticing and
articulating this previously unexamined rule by which he
lived, my client was able to be in his life with more peace.
I am not suggesting that we abandon the rule of law, or
common sense, or even our own ethical code. I am
suggesting that there are some rules we have adopted in
our lives that run us in ways that are no longer useful or
healthy. Any rule, if it remains unconscious and
unexamined, keeps you under its thumb.
"There ain't no rules around here. We're trying to
accomplish something."
- Thomas Edison
I don't think Edison was disparaging of all rules in
saying this – just the ones that limited his thinking, that were
applied unquestioningly, or that could not stand up to
scrutiny. The fact that it was Thomas Edison that said this is
powerful. He is credited for hundreds of failures in his
progress toward developing the electric light bulb. Clearly
he was not limiting his thinking in this process, and certainly
he didn't operate out of a rule that said, "If you try and fail,
you are a failure." That rule didn't define him. For Edison,
accomplishment grew out of a mind unencumbered by
rules that limited free-thinking, curiosity and success. In the
process he discovered some "new" rules that govern
production of light through electromagnetic energy. He
discovered useful rules by breaking as many rules as he
could.
"Life is an experiment to discover what is possible."
- Margaret Wheatley
We could glean a tremendous benefit by adopting
Edison's experimental attitude toward our own lives.
Through non-judgmental self-observation we step into our
lives in a new way. We begin to notice how, when and where
our unconscious rules take effect through watching how we
act and react. As we bring these rules to a greater level of
awareness, we can question their usefulness and value to
us now. By calling to question the rules we have always
accepted, we may find that they need not be rules for us any
longer. Life becomes an experiment in which we can
discover our own light.
How To Discover Your Rules
1. Non-judgmental self-observation.
2. Be experimental with life.
3. Become curious and gentle.
4. Articulate your rules.
5. Chose what you want.
---------------
Stephen Gilbert has spent more than 30 years in personal
and professional coaching, griefwork, training, ministry, and
funeral service. He is certified as a Management
Effectiveness Coach, a Griefwork Coach, and is a licensed
funeral director. He works both in corporate settings and
with individuals. Through his coaching, individuals become
more effective in critical areas of life, such as career
direction and change, addiction recovery, creative
expression, interpersonal relationships, and attaining
personal and professional goals.
He is well known as a powerful workshop leader if the field
of griefwork. His workshop, called Being With Grief™, has
help hundreds of people move through some of the most
challenging of human experiences. He also offers training
and workshops care giving professionals and other that
work directly with the bereaved.
Stephen offers coaching services for personal
transformation, grief process and professional development
in either group or individual contexts.
http://www.personaLegacy.com
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