“Everybody’s talking at me…I can’t hear a word they’re sayin’.” These lyrics represent probably the most problematic area of communication. We need to be aware of the fact that talking is not necessarily "communication". Effective communication requires involvement on the part of the speaker and his/her audience...talking does not!

Listening is an art-form which seems to have been lost in our society. Milton Erickso, a famous hypnotherapist and psychiatrist didn’t begin speaking until the age of five. When his mother was questioned by neighbors about his tardiness, she responded by saying "when Milton is ready to talk, he will talk." He went on to indicate that he had a sister who began talking when she was 1 ½ years old but she hasn’t said anything yet.

Probably the best explanation of why people have difficulty listening is that “talking” is a way they can have some sense of control in their lives. The one missing element in many people’s lives is their not feeling a sense of control in their lives. They are more apt to be criticized than praised and the expectations that many have of themselves and others is that “perfection” must be attained in order to make it in our society. Happiness is “hard to come by” if we’re always “on guard”.

Effective listening entails our 1) clearing our minds; 2) waiting until the other person finishes expressing their thoughts/feelings; 3) not formulating our response or rebuttal while the other person is communicating but rather taking a few moments after they are through to determine what it is that we want to say. Although these may seem like hard steps to inaugurate, if practiced they can become second nature. And furthermore, people will notice that we are interested in what they have to say and will want to communicate with us on a more qualitative level. I have found that for people who might be impulsive talkers, being with someone who is deliberately listening helps them to back off from their need to control.

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