I burrowed deeper under my blankets to avoid the cold air that had made its way into my room throughout the night, but had somehow found its way under the covers. I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to sleep and dream and go to a place where I didn’t have to feel things I didn’t like feeling. I could not avoid it. I knew that I couldn’t stay wrapped up in a perfect moment where I was content forever. Eventually, I forced myself up and decided to feel the cold air hit me all at once by throwing off my blankets. The shock of the freezing cold air woke me up so quickly, I was up and in the kitchen before I was fully conscious and realized what was going on. I knew that today would be especially hard for me to concentrate and I found myself trying to focus as hard as I could on getting through the day.

Today was not any different than any other day except for the fact that I was feeling extremely drained and tired. I tried not to think about it. I found myself taking a shower, thinking about what tasks I needed to complete at work and later on in the evening to avoid analyzing myself. My company party had just occurred and I was an integral part of hosting and preparing the event. I knew I was in need of lots of sleep and catch up time since I had worked so hard on planning and perfecting that event. Every aspect and detail down to the last favor was perfect. There were no mess-ups and I found myself having more fun than I had had in a long time. But I knew that it was not the party itself that had made me feel this way; it was what one person had said towards the end of the party that had gotten my mind spinning carelessly into a flood of different emotions I have been trying to overcome for the last couple of years.

It was nothing more than a friendly greeting and a conversation starter to see how things were going. “So I heard you went to Cal?” “Yea, I actually graduated last year.” “Wow, I can’t believe you’re still here…You must be getting paid a lot…I have a friend who’s getting his PhD at Cal.” “Yea ok…” Leaving the conversation fragmented and open for more discussion, I continue to force myself to smile as he walks away when I start to feel empty inside. I knew that he didn’t mean anything intentional by it, but it was so hard not to think about considering all the crap I had gone through to try and overcome the stereotypes of working hard and amounting to something that had brought you tons of money.

At that moment, I wanted to tell him how hard I had fought to stay in Cal and not get kicked out because I was in a major that I hated and could not get out of. I wanted to tell him how many tears I had shed from staying up all night trying to figure out why I was memorizing biochemical pathways which I would never use in vet school because I knew my GPA was too low to get into any decent one in the U.S. But most of all, I wanted to tell him how my happiness was not measured by how much I got paid, but what I was doing and who I was working with. But instead of telling him all these things, I just let him walk away and kept all my feelings to myself.

I bring myself back to work and complete my tasks for the day. I have a good time. I laugh and joke about all the funny events that went on during the party pushing aside all my feelings of what I didn’t want to remember or think about. I keep myself occupied throughout the day until I have a moment to myself. I start to look back at my life and think about what I have accomplished. My future is uncertain and my schooling hasn’t done much for me, especially since I’m not working in any field that I majored in.

The thought of having to go back to school to start all over again sickens me. I feel as if I had failed and wasted the last ten years of my life doing something I should’ve stopped a long time ago. But I went through the motions. I did not have a voice and because I chose not to speak, I wasted part of my life and destroyed what I believed in. My thoughts flow in and out of consciousness as I drift off to sleep. It is nighttime and I burrow under the covers to feel the warmth that shields me from the icy cold winter breeze that hits my face and is a constant reminder what being human is all about. I drift off to a place where I can leave my worries behind, even if it’s for a moment.

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